Reasons to never go outside: ever

Thursday I went to the movies with an odd number of people. Seven people. My friend Z hates odd numbers. I honestly didn’t think that she’d show.

I have another friend who I can always count on to be brutally honest. We were in my pool, resting our elbows on the blue tiles while our bodies dangled in the water, when I turned to her and said: “Hey, can I tell you something?”

“You’re bisexual.”

“WHAT.”

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After lots of deep thinking and self analysis I realized:

She’s right.

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But back to the point of this whole thing: it’s safer to stay inside on the computer than face the outside world with actual people.

I suck at hanging around large groups of people. ESPECIALLY if I am NOT close to you. If I’m not close to you, I’m just going to assume you hate me.

(what a whiny pessimistic teenager ^^^^^^^)

((you’re right))

Z, K, and I met up at Smashburger with two couples, and me being the quiet one-mostly stayed quiet. In situations like these I either feel really awkward and uncomfortable or I say something and get talked over because my voice is so soft. When I do talk: everything that comes out feels dumb and/or pointless or I start thinking lovely thoughts like:

WHY AM I ON PLANET EARTH !?

Yay anxiety and depression!

The movie was Spiderman. The highlight of the movie was Z and I having a popcorn war in the theater.

When everyone was leaving, I saw N look over at me a bit strangely. A sort of: what are ya doing here look or maybe it was more of a: I cannot figure this weird quiet girl out who only talks to people she knows really well and sort of blows off other people.

I’m not trying to be rude, mean, or exclusive-just when I reach out-I feel like there’s already a wall up there. Like the other person already assumes I’m a waste of time. I know so many people who do, so what’s one more?

I have some issues.

But let’s talk about tonight. Tonight I went to a concert. I went to go see my friend’s ban play. K and I were laying out on the grass on top of this big purple blanket I brought, taking little sips of a cappuccino even though it was 5 pm. Bear had been texting me earlier that day. I have to admit, I was kinda excited to see him. We aren’t really close, but I’ves always wanted to be close to him. He’s a really sweet empathetic guy.

Bear and SeSe showed up, but by that time our blanket was crowded with Meg and her brothers friends. SeSe and I are not really friends. He’s the funniest. Life of the party. That kind of guy, but every time I look at him I remember how in the 7th grade he turned to me one day and said:

“No one is going to remember you. You’re so quiet.”

Thanks, I know.

So it was kind of awkward. We couldn’t really talk to the much. The music was really loud ( we were sitting closet to the stage) plus our backs were to them since there wasn’t enough room for them to sit by us.

SeSe only talks to me really when there is no one else better around. See I know this, because I know him. He wants to talk and flirt with the pretty girls. And I’m not a pretty girl.

I always feel like the outsider in groups. I just never feel like I fully belong there, and secretly I know that other people are wondering what the heck I’m doing there. I ask myself the same thing a lot.

Dancing was fun, even if you are a white girl with zero rhythm.

I just wish I didn’t feel so alien in my own body.

A boy from my school was staring at me at the dance floor, but I don’t think it was meant in an attractive way. Like I said: no rhythm. Like I also said: not pretty. I was sunburned today on my face too.

Bear and I hardly talked too. When everyone was splitting up after the last song was played at 9:30 I just turned to him with a smile and said: “Bye.”

That was about it.

We talked a bit at Subway, but mostly K and I just talked to each other. Or Z. Or we kinda just listened in silence.

We’re both socially awkward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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