My friends threw me a surprise early birthday party today.
I never even suspected it, though maybe I should have. Anna kept asking me in French what I liked, what my favorite movies were, favorite foods, stuff like that. Leslie asked me if it was my birthday today, little things like that. Ava wanted to get Boba after school and we spent some time at the Thai place before going to my house to “watch a movie”.
When I came through the door Zarinna hid under the table. I only saw a grayish shape and was wondering if it was one of my sisters friends trying to scare me, but it was Megan, Kiara, Zarinna and Ava.
They’d set up balloons, glow sticks, little paper red hearts everywhere (technically…my sister set it up, but…they organized it). It was the sweetest thing.
I should have known though. My Dad agreed too easily to me bringing Ava over to “watch a movie” usually he gives me grief for being so “last minute” (okay it’s true. I am. So what).
We danced a lot. We played Dancing Queen of course: only seventeen…
Some trap music was played.
Some twerking happened.
Not from me though.
I can’t really dance I just sorta flap around.
And in the midst of all of it: I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t sad either.
Here’s whats wrong with me:
I never feel anything. Ever. Never. I feel hurt of course, disappointment, ect, all the bad things, but I cannot recall a time I felt a warm glowing happiness in my chest. I say “I am happy,” when I don’t even know what that even really truly feels like.
How shitty is that?
To be surrounded with loving, happy friends and to feel..absolutely nothing. Nothing!
We went to the beach for a bonfire. Ava’s boyfriend Trevor was there, he invited some of his friends over. Her boyfriend is a little distant. I don’t really think he likes me at all. I think he thinks I’m really stupid and annoying. Just silly and a waste of space. He thinks I don’t like him, probably because I get so so distant around guys. When Trevor’s friends came I just went into awkward silent mode. Around boys I don’t know I shut down. It’s my thing. I don’t know why I do it. It’s purely instinctual. I feel bad. I offered them nothing, barely talked to them, and didn’t sit with them either. They probably thought I hated them. When we were all dancing in a circle I feel like I was dancing really really badly and that they were laughing at me. I kept seeing them looking at me, and one of them kept going to Ryan (who was playing the music) and saying, “This is awkward to look at.” Megan, Ava, Pat, and everyone else are good dancers, I never know what to do with my feet or anything. I just sorta…I don’t know? So I felt awkward. And I felt like they were laughing at me.
Pat came a little late. Anna, Megan, Kiara and I ran over to him at the park. For a while we all went on the swings and down the slide and stuff. Just kid stuff. It was nice. He got me “Milk and Honey” and Cheezits (because I love Cheezits and hardly get them). Kiara bought me a gallon mason jar filled with Cheezits, so if that doesn’t tell you how much I love them I don’t know what does.
I feel bad because Trevor left early, and I feel like he was pissed off, and I felt like it was directed at me. Is that selfish? I always feel like anything bad is my fault. Ava and him looked like they were arguing when he said he was going to leave. I feel like it’s my fault, like maybe he felt like I was excluding him and had gotten exasperated or just wasn’t having any fun. Just…if it had been my girl friends I would have been so much more comfortable. I feel bad for the boys who came tonight. They kind of had to for “protection” (Ava’s mom’s idea).
I think I’m depressed. Because all I want to do is cry. And I feel like it was terrible, nobody had any fun, I was making a big deal out of nothing, I’m being too paranoid, or I’m completely right and all those boys hate my guts, or I was too rude, too cold, too distant, they all think I’m a bitch. I don’t know. Why am I ruining something so perfect?