It’s raining right now. A miracle.
There is a jar of Nutella is the fridge, it is taking every ounce of self control to not run over there, grab a spoon, and happily stuff my face.
I should be doing APUSH right now. I should be writing essays for scholarships, right now.
Instead I’ve been doing something really stupid.
For the past thirty minutes, I’ve been looking at Facebook, clicking on everybody’s profile that I know, reading all about their good times, looking at all their photos were they are having fun with their friends, and feeling overwhelmingly lonely.
I have friends, but not many people that I would call family. I don’t have an entire group of people that I can count on. I’m always kind of hanging on the edge, sort of the forgotten and left out one. Of course there are a few friends I have that I’m obviously close with: Z, Oni, Soph, Em, K, and J. Everybody just feels so far away right now. Granted, I’m in Australia and their all in California right now. It’s a Monday night over here, and an extremely early Monday morning over there.
I guess what I’m getting out (Truth Tea Lesson #2) is that I have people I’m close with, but not close with. I have friends, but I also have a lot of I’m-sorta-kinda-not-really-your-friend friends. I wish I had that tight knit family that I know that I could always count on, but I don’t have that. I don’t think I ever will to be honest.
If I’m really being honest here then I’ll just say it: I’m so extremely jealous of those happy go lucky people at school who are beautiful and glowing, surrounded by friends that love and trust them back.
I can’t help but feel like I’m always going to be alone. I’ve never really had a boyfriend; I’ve had guys who have wanted to get with me, but I’d always push them away or turn them down. I had my reasons. Either it was because it was complicated in some way, or I simply just felt like I didn’t deserve them.
I’m disgustingly full of self pity tonight.
Last night I threw a message in a bottle into my grandparent’s lake. With the way the wind was blowing, it’s probably next door, but I like to think that it got farther than that. I like to think that somebody found my message in an Apple Juice bottle.