Is there anybody out there?

It’s raining right now. A miracle.

There is a jar of Nutella is the fridge, it is taking every ounce of self control to not run over there, grab a spoon, and happily stuff my face.

I should be doing APUSH right now. I should be writing essays for scholarships, right now.

Instead I’ve been doing something really stupid.

For the past thirty minutes, I’ve been looking at Facebook, clicking on everybody’s profile that I know, reading all about their good times, looking at all their photos were they are having fun with their friends, and feeling overwhelmingly lonely.

I have friends, but not many people that I would call family. I don’t have an entire group of people that I can count on. I’m always kind of hanging on the edge, sort of the forgotten and left out one. Of course there are a few friends I have that I’m obviously close with: Z, Oni, Soph, Em, K, and J. Everybody just feels so far away right now. Granted, I’m in Australia and their all in California right now. It’s a Monday night over here, and an extremely early Monday morning over there.

I guess what I’m getting out (Truth Tea Lesson #2) is that I have people I’m close with, but not close with. I have friends, but I also have a lot of I’m-sorta-kinda-not-really-your-friend friends. I wish I had that tight knit family that I know that I could always count on, but I don’t have that. I don’t think I ever will to be honest.

If I’m really being honest here then I’ll just say it: I’m so extremely jealous of those happy go lucky people at school who are beautiful and glowing, surrounded by friends that love and trust them back.

I can’t help but feel like I’m always going to be alone. I’ve never really had a boyfriend; I’ve had guys who have wanted to get with me, but I’d always push them away or turn them down. I had my reasons. Either it was because it was complicated in some way, or I simply just felt like I didn’t deserve them.

I’m disgustingly full of self pity tonight.

Last night I threw a message in a bottle into my grandparent’s lake. With the way the wind was blowing, it’s probably next door, but I like to think that it got farther than that. I like to think that somebody found my message in an Apple Juice bottle.


2 thoughts on “Is there anybody out there?

  1. wavesofawesomeness says:

    That was so amazing and relatable for me and honestly, I know exactly how you feel. I have normal friends and acquaintance but not proper like really close friends friends. I even explained it on my post ‘why I don’t have a lot of friends’ just so people could understand. I’ve been downgraded and I also have social anxiety and I’m only in yr8 but trust me, I know things are gonna get better. There are actually people out there to help😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • tryingtosimplybe says:

      Thank you so much! It feels better to know that I’m not the only one out here that feels that way….and I bet there are a ton of people who get how we’re feeling. Your comment is the sweetest <3. Thank you for giving me some hope.

      Liked by 1 person

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