God knows how long it has been since I’ve last written some stuff. I mean I have for Period 3 English class. But I mean writing writing. You know, writing just because. So many things have happened, darlings. So many beautiful, terrible, laughing, crying, lot’s of homework, no homework, frustrated, angry, happy things. Instead of trying to reminisce about the past and unearth those things I’m just going to start with something simple.
I was going to go to the Light The Way Cancer walk today. At 4:30 pm. It is now 4:27, and instead of meeting CSF at Petco Park I am here, typing at Starbucks, drinking Trader Joe’s Apple Juice in a mug with a clear straw. Mom bailed on me for a ride. Which is something that is typical. She’s just too tired to drive, she says. She just wants to sit there and watch Judge Judy, like she does every single weekend. I get it. “Single” mother and all. Having a nursing job must not be easy. Yet, I can’t help but feel that sometimes she’s just using the “I’m tired” so she doesn’t have to say “I’m lazy”. She never wants to go anywhere. Anywhere. Even on vacation, she just wanted to sit in the Jacuzzi or stay inside from those “harmful..harmful” sun rays. Because as we all know, too much sun time equals too many wrinkles so better pack on the sunscreen and giant floppy hats and gloves, right?
It’s a bitter disappointment to not be at the Park right now, walking with millions of others people, listening to other’s heart breaks or fighting triumph, holding a red lantern, surrounded by the glowing of all those hearts that are here to get together for something bigger than us all. Leukemia.
My family doesn’t understand that sitting around does not sit well with me. Of course there are those days where I would love to just curl up in a ball with the Alves family blanket I got from Disneyland and read a good book. Yet, I am restless. I run around my room blasting everything from Drake to Melanie Martinez for hours. I don’t get anything done. I have this deep need to go somewhere, to go do something. Every second that isn’t filled with something that’s meaningful feels like another moment I’ve lost that I’m never going to get back.
I want to be at that walk with those people, I want to fill my heart with human love, kindness, triumph, and heartbreak.
I’m a Junior in high school. Busy year. You should see my planner. This weekend I have to type up my Chemistry lab (we changed the colors of flames with elements-my partner kept trying to catch his pencil on fire), finish APUSH, finish my “Stability in motion” English chart, and finish my French flashcards. This year I take my SATs and finally get my permit. I’m scared as hell. I’m not ready for all this stuff. Sometimes I feel like I’m just barely keeping up. There’s so much that I still don’t know, that I’m still confused about, that no one has really explained to me, and next year I’ll be applying for college. That’s another thing on my mind right now: College. I need need need need need need need to get out.
Get. out. get. out. get. out. get. out.
My Dad wants me to go to the cheapest college as close to home as possible, so I can live at home. Like my nineteen year old sister who goes to community college, and does nothing but stay home all day-working, watching Netflix, and eating. That is not me. I cannot do that. I cannot describe to you the horror I feel in that kind of life. I want to get out of the country- at the very least out of the state. I have the grades for it, I know I do. But my Dad says no. I must stay in California. Sorry, Dad. It is my life. I’ll do what I need to do to get out. This endless routine of living in the same place, seeing the same people, doing the same things, is going to drive me mad. Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs or rip out my heart to show everyone how empty it has become. Very dramatic, I know.
I’ll just catch you up on all the non-important side notes now:
1)Homecoming happened. Completely boring. I got ready with some girls from school that I’m kinda-sorta friends with. With the exception of one. I saw J there, he talked to me for a while then I kinda pulled myself away. Later when I was dancing with my friend he suddenly appeared making out with his date that made me really uncomfortable. After the dance I saw him again outside with his date, he had his arm around her but he was looking directly at me. I asked him to Homecoming the week before. He already had a date, talk about awkward. He still flirts with me though, I don’t get it. Sometimes I regret breaking things off with him last year before anything really happened, but sometimes I don’t. Mostly right now I do. I felt uncomfortable at Homecoming. I don’t know why I was excited for it. It’s a bunch of sweaty teenagers in a gym grinding on each other and pretending were in a club. It would have been more fun with a date.
2) Halloween happened. I met Jessica’s guinea pigs and ordered Chow Mein with Anna and Natalie then we Ubered to Kiara’s. We were way to old for it, but we trick or treated. We were the only group out there. (Who has Halloween on a Monday?) Her neighborhood was dead, but her neighbors were loaded. King sized candy bars, one guy dressed as a body builder gave us protein powder, a sweet old lady gave us a dollar each. I was dressed as Joyce Byers from Stranger Things. I had Christmas trees lights around my neck, wore a green army jacket, and a red and white striped sweater. Most people thought I was a Christmas tree-even with the HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY sign I made with pictures of Will Byers on it.
3) I’m in AP English and it’s the best possible class. Every morning we dance to music, then we have a lesson that’s tied into some sort of life lesson. Every Friday is Stuff About Stuff presentations. People have to make themselves go, she doesn’t call you up. I’ve gone twice. The first one was on a “Drug that cures fear” and the second was on “Accents” (Did you know goats have regional ways of saying Baah? No lie). I email my teacher constantly (as she wants us too) about anything or everything.
Here’s a snippet of a few of my Daily Journals:
Ten things i know to be true
- I don’t want to go to college in california, but according to my dad i have to.
- “I’d rather go blind” by beyonce will always be my jam.
- I want to get out and throw myself in an entirely new country where i don’t even speak the language.
- I’m deathly afraid of sharks, but i love the ocean.
- Someday I’ll build a snowman.
- Vanilla is the most comforting scent.
- I’ll always be indecisive.
- I have a sugar problem.
- I’m jealous of people who can dance.
- I day-dream often about me in another life..
I was born on Valentine’s Day which is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because I’ll always get chocolates on my birthday, but it’s also terrible because when I see all the happy couples I reflect on how I’ll probably live a life like Elizabeth Van Lew and end up forever alone with forty cats. I was born a month early, so I was snatched out of my Mom’s hands after she’d given birth and taken to the ICU. I spent the first two weeks of my life there with some kind of breathing machine since my lungs weren’t fully developed yet. Fast forward a few years to when I was 5 and thought I was some kind of genius who “invented” the chocolate pudding covered pear. Mosts of my childhood is photos of me covered in chocolate pudding or dressing up with my sister or being dressed up by my sister who used to make me paper bag dresses and shoes. On the first day of Kindergarten I didn’t cry when I left my parents. There was another girl there, sobbing, according to the witnesses (aka parents) I walked over to her and put my arm around her and said, “It’s okay. We can go in together.” I have zero recollection of this, but we became best friends. Elementary school was easy. Tetherball, Girl Scouts, and Four Square pretty much sums it up. Near the end of fourth grade my parents split up. My life had been pretty happy up until that point, when the bubble completely burst and I was left to pick up the pieces. My Mom moved to a different house and started to act less like a Mom and more like a stranger. I got tired of switching houses every other week and listening to my Mom and big sister fight all the time so a while after my sister officially moved to my Dad’s house I did too. I did it a while after I promised my Mom that I wouldn’t. She was crying in the bathroom and telling me to never leave her and I was handing her tissues and I felt my heart lift up because I realized that she really did actually care about me. All this was completely crushed when she said, “If you leave me, your Dad will stop paying me child support money and I won’t be able to survive on my salary.” But I just took it and kept giving her tissues. Then I left about a year later. Mom broke up with her loser of a boyfriend after bailing him out of jail for drunk driving and a few years later got engaged and moved to La Mesa. Now that she’s done with her fiance she wants my Dad back. WHICH IS SO WEIRD I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE IT. That’s a little slice of my life (though it’s pretty long, sorry!!). A lot of confusing and bad things happened in the past, but there were those special childhood days that I’ll remember forever too. Like sneaking out with my best friend late at midnight to swing at the park. Or that time someone walked up to me in a Halloween store, gave me a dollar coin, and walked away. That little panda bear I used to carry around everywhere with me that I named Pandy (so original) that I accidently left on an airplane is still something that I think about. The best days were when my Dad would take my sister and I to OB Sweet Shop and I’d get a bag of taffy and we’d rent a Sci-Fi movie like Planet of the Apes to watch.
Don’t know what this is. Don’t know what it’ll grow into. But I kinda love it.
Time for me to actually get some work done xxx.